Mama, Do You Love Me?

Taylor and I have decided that we are going to try to read through of the books on his bookshelf together in the mornings. And if you recall the number that we have collected over the years from my classroom and from our obsession with fabulous children's books, you know that is a tall order. Here is one of the books we read this morning. 

Mama, do you love me?

Yes I do, Dear One.

How much?

I love you more than the raven loves his treasure, more than the dog loves his tail, more than the whale loves his spout.

How long?

I'll love you until the umiak flies into the darkness, till the stars turn to fish in the sky, and the puffin howls at the moon.

Mama,what if I carried our eggs - our ptarmigan eggs! - and tried to be careful, and I tried to walk slowly, but I fell and the eggs broke?

Then I would be sorry. But still, I would love you.

What if I put salmon in your parka, ermine in your mittens, and lemmings in your mukluks?

Then I would be angry.

What if I threw water at our lamp?

Then, Dear One, I would be very angry. But still, I would love you.

What if I ran away?

Then I would be worried.

What if I stayed away and sang with the wolves and slept in a cave?

Then, Dear One, I would be very sad.

But still, I would love you.

What if I turned into a musk-ox?

Then I would be surprised.

What if I turned into a walrus?

Then I would be surprised and a little scared.

What if I turned into a polar bear, and I was the meanest bear you ever saw and I had sharp, shiny teeth, and I chased you into your tent and you cried?

Then I would be very surprised and very scared. But still, inside the bear, you would be you, and I would love you.

I will love you, forever and for always, because you are my Dear One.

Excerpted from "MAMA, DO YOU LOVE ME?" written by Barbara M. Joosse

I wanted you to have this book in mind as I share with you some things that happened this afternoon. Oh, how I wish we could go for a really long run so that I could hash this out with you, but I knew that this would be the purpose of this blog on some days. Now at least you have a documented summary of some of my ramblings when we run. 

The day started out a bit gray, but the sun came out again (just like yesterday when we went to Metropolitan Market and when we were thinking of you and taking pictures for you there.)  Over the last month or so, we have been talking about having Taylor try out the Rain City Flyers (the youth cross country team that practices at Woodland Park on Tu/Th after school.)  With it being such a beautiful afternoon and since I was already driving Anna to her dance class during the exact same time at Dance Fremont, I decided to go ahead and propose to Taylor after school that we just check it out one time to see if it would be something he would be interested in.    Though I should have known better than to just pop this idea on him about 20 minutes before we were going to go, I thought it was worth a try.  

When I first mentioned it, he was resistant to the idea as he just wanted to go home and play lacrosse in the yard.  We dropped off Anna at her dance class and then I began to drive over to Woodland Park so we could at least survey the scene.  But as we were parking, the protests became louder and louder. "You can't make me go! You are the meanest mommy in the world." (you can fill in the rest as I am sure you can imagine what else was said in the mix.) I tried to explain that even with lacrosse that he did not want to go at first or to remind him of the time at Green Lake this summer when he did NOT want to take the swim test at first.  I talked to him about how Jason had suggested it would be a great way to get in shape for lacrosse, but this did not fly with him today.  I got out and asked him to come with me to go see what they were going to do, but he refused to get out of the car. I felt like I was with a toddler in the car.  I tried (to no avail) to give him a choice: "you can either walk yourself or I can carry you over with a piggy back." Nope- neither was acceptable. The deal about trying to give some choice here was not working.  I tried to grab his arm to pull him to the door, but he pulled back and I knew I was not going to try to wrestle him to the ground on this one.  Our boys are certainly getting too big for that, and I never want to use physical strength to force a child to do anything anyway.  At one point, he even picked up his glass bowl of cereal and lifted it over his head as if he were going to throw it at me. While I know he would never really do this, it scared me to see the anger boiling up inside him, and it honestly scared me imagining what this might look like at age 15 or 16. 

I told him that if he would not at least get out of the car that I would have to cancel his playdate with his friend tomorrow. Once I said it, I was kind of bummed, but I had to have some leverage and to use something that mattered to him.  And yet, even with this, he still refused. This was becoming a battle of the wills and he was determined to hold his ground. 

I explained to him that he is not in charge and that there are times when a parent makes a decision for a child. I even reminded him that you (Elizabeth) had commented on his running at one point and how you had talked about how you saw that he had potential to be really good.  None of this mattered to him this afternoon. 

Meanwhile, the kids had run a lap, done some strides and some push ups and sit ups. (I was bummed I could not join them as I have been missing out on my push ups while not running with you and knocking out my push up routine while you are at your bathroom stops.) :) 

He finally got out of the car on the condition that we did not have to go over to where the kids were gathered yet.  But even then, I told him to follow me to do one lap, and he refused. I tried to give him a few more chances but he was bound and determined to keep digging his heels in the ground. 

The thing about this that I see so clearly now is that he felt powerless. And I know he hates this. He could not see past this at all and so he would not bend or flex one inch for a long long long time. 

I was trying everything I knew to stay calm under pressure and to keep my cool. I needed him to know that they way he was handling this was not okay, but I also wanted to figure out a way that this could still be a learning opportunity.  I knew all was not lost, but I was getting tired of this drama myself. 

Finally, he came with me on a short run on the trails.  I told him that we would go for the amount of time that he had stalled in the car.  As we started off, his frustration was at his max and he mentioned that he had felt frustrated because his friend Jed had told him he was a "freak" about lacrosse and another boy in his class was saying that Taylor liked a girl in class just because the girl sat at Taylor's table. Both of these comments had stung and were boiling to the surface at that point. 

As I have told you before, when Taylor gets frustrated, not long into the rage, he is able to gain some perspective and see that he is behaving in a way that is out of control. He began saying, "I am awful"....  While this had been a pretty miserable part of the day for both of us, I wanted him to know that he was not awful. His behavior needed guidance for sure, but it was not something that he needs to feel goes on his permanent record for his character.   What we are trying to work with him on is the ability to see that these are behaviors that happen sometimes, but that he does not need to internalize them to think that he is in any way bad.  

As we ran/walked on the trail, I said to him that the song that I sing every night before bed needs to be the voice he listens to when all the other voices are angry and shouting at him. 

"The Lord our God is with you-  when Taylor is feeling on top of the world and when he is feeling angry and out of control, God is with him. 

He is mighty to save. -- God's strength is bigger than his strong emotions. 

The Lord will take great delight in you--  Just as Taylor delights in lacrosse (as that is what seems to make him tick these days), the Lord delights in Taylor

He will quiet you with his love-  God can calm any storm, even this one.  

He will rejoice over you with singing- The Lord rejoices over Taylor and that there is nothing Taylor can do to change that love. 

I told him that the story that we had read this morning about the mother and daughter was exactly like our story. Even when Taylor did these things, I still loved him. I might feel angry and sad, but I would still love him. He seemed to understand a bit more when I tried to explain the story.  

As we continued on our way around a short trail, I explained to him that it was okay for him to protest and disagree with us when we asked him to do something, but that there were acceptable ways to do it. (Threatening me and yelling and not following through with simple requests were not okay....) I gave him some alternative things that he could have said to me and things that he could have done that would have made it a completely different story.  

I did have to send a text to the mom of the friend with whom Taylor was going to have the playdate tomorrow and tell her that something came up and that we would have to reschedule. Taylor was really sad, but I explained about the consequence and he actually admitted that it was fair and that he also thought he should lose some of his iPad time. 

He told me that he felt like a jerk.  And I tried to explain that this is the very reason that God came to be Immanuel with us.  He came because we all are in need of God's grace and help. That's the point. God loves us and redeems us in our brokenness- not when we are all put back together again. And it sure seems to me that the more we simmer in that love,  the more we learn to love others more in the way God calls us to (even though it is a long and slow process for most of us.) 

I remember in Nashville hearing a man share this similar message.  Will Campbell (1924-2013) was a radical Christian, a native of Mississippi who was involved in the Civil Rights movement from its beginning and also ministered to members of the KKK.  When challenged to sum up Christianity in ten words or less, he said, "We're all bastards, but God loves us anyway." 

While I did not tell Taylor this exact quote, I did try to let him know that there is an underlying message of love for him, especially in this moment. 

I told him that I was sorry that I had not given him enough of a heads up about the afternoon.  I know that about him that he does better with some warning about plans, but I had just thought that maybe it would be different today with the sunshine and the open afternoon we had. I owned my part and asked him to forgive me.  And he looked me in the eyes too and said he was sorry for how he had acted.  He told me that several times later tonight too with a very penitent heart. 

When we got home, we were playing some lacrosse and my back was to our kitchen window. Taylor said to me that he wanted me to move away from the kitchen window because he did not want to break another window like he had done earlier this summer.  The thing about this that was so profound and downright hopeful was that he had learned a huge lesson through the window thing this summer. And if he can learn this, then I am hopeful that he will begin to learn that his actions don't define his character and that today can be a reminder that there are other ways to react even when he wants to dig his feet into the ground.  

Even as I read all of my ramblings over right now, I am not sure they all make sense or that it is all in order above. (Just as I am running up a hill trying to tell you a saga like this, I know I've probably left some key pieces out)... Yet, I think that you can fill in the blanks because we have boys who have these passionate little souls and hearts so I imagine you can relate.  

So, I'll just end with what I told Taylor tonight before bed: 

Mama, do you love me? 

I will love you, forever and for always, because you are my Dear One.